afraid_of_marshmallows | Buffet de l'Anquitaire, Québec City, Québec, Tuesday Evening

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Buffet de l'Anquitaire, Québec City, Québec, Tuesday Evening

Arden had stupidly had the jitters all day Tuesday, thinking of the plan with Cal to have one last paintball dinner while here in Québec. Did it mean something? Something more than friends? Surely he wasn't trying to drop a hint or anything...right?

Which meant that she couldn't help but inwardly (and ruefully) laugh at herself when they ended up deciding to end up at the Buffet de l'Anquitaire. The food looked amazing, don't get her wrong, but the chill diner atmosphere didn't really give off 'confessions of a secret crush' vibes. She was definitely glad she'd stuck with a cute but nothing fancy outfit. This was firmly 'two friends having dinner post-paintball' territory.

Once again proving that the only one harboring a secret crush was Arden. She really needed to stomp that out. She'd been making good progress, but Parents' Weekend had derailed that. But hey, if she could kill a crush during a trip where there was only one bed, then there was probably no bringing it back, right? Of course right. She was just gonna...get on doing that, then.

"Let me guess," she teased, snagging a seat in one of the bright red booths, "you wanna get the hot dog and sausage poutine. And, hey! We'll have to try some of these pies so I can report back to Graham."

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"Of course not!" Arden said, sounding almost indignant, like how dare he suggest something so ridiculous.

And then suddenly looked worried. "I mean, there were times I wanted to pitch you off the roof, but also Kams, and honestly anybody. It wasn't about you at all, it was just me being grumpy and miserable and in pain."

Her brows came together. "Oh Cal," she said softly. "Is that what this is about? Did you catch one of those times and think it was real?" She squeezed his hand again. "We're good, I swear we are. It was just because I was feeling awful, I swear. You and Kams were both perfect."

"No, it wasn't that," Cal said quickly, wincing inwardly at not being able to communicate clearly. "I know you were uncomfortable and tired of having to rely on us, and it's adorable that you thought you could pitch me anywhere in the state you were in." Yes Cal, that was definitely a wise thing to point out right now. "I've just been thinking. A lot. Since your 'family' was here."

Arden cut her eyes at him for that little comment, it's true.

"I'm going to start working out more, just so I can throw you off a roof," she grumbled. And then stuck her tongue out at him. Because he deserved it.

But then her face settled slightly. "They're not my family," she said. "Grimm and Duke are kinda kin? Because my mom was a djinn? But I don't think they really knew each other. And Callista is legally my guardian, but that doesn't make her family."

"No, I wouldn't consider them your family either. The people in Fandom, on the other hand... they're better for you than anyone in your family could be." Cal trailed off, giving her hand another squeeze. "That's why I didn't go back with Cere and Greez."

Then, before he could stop himself, he said, "You're why I didn't go back with Cere and Greez."

Arden looked surprised again. And then softened again, this time looking guilty. "Because you were so worried," she guessed. "You didn't want to leave without knowing if I'd be okay. Oh, Cal, I'm sorry."

"Well, yeah, of course I was worried. You almost died, and there was nothing I could do to help," Cal said. "And I couldn't heal you, and I couldn't go after Callista, and--"

He stopped as their waiter awkwardly came over with the milkshakes and then quickly departed, and BD-1 peeked out of the backpack to nudge him. "Keep. Going."

"I've been thinking about things I maybe shouldn't have waited to say until I nearly didn't get a chance to say them."

Arden had tucked her straw into her glass, and had taken a long sip of her chocolate shake when Cal started talking again. And inhaled wrong, trying not to cough as the mouthful of ice cream went down the wrong pipe.

Be cool, Finch. Be chilly. It's not what it sounds like. Like how this isn't a date. This is something else. Maybe a friend thing? Like a thank you? Yeah. Probably like a thank you. Be cool.

"O-oh?" she asked, still fighting down the cough. "Like what?"

Edited 2024-10-23 01:44 (UTC)

Cal was suddenly terrified that he was going about this all wrong. If she knew what he was going to say and looked nervous, maybe he was going to mess everything up while they still had multiple days together and had to sleep in the same room. Maybe Anakin would let him switch rooms? Maybe he could sleep in the hallway?

Or maybe she had no idea what he was going to say and he was going to take her totally by surprise and she'd hate him for even thinking about liking her as more than a friend and he'd still end up in the hallway.

He'd probably been quiet for too long because BD nudged him again. "Like how much I like you. Which is a lot." Boy, was that milkshake interesting.

STAY COOL, FINCH.

"You mean like...because we're good friends?" Arden asked, because he couldn't be saying what it sounded like. He couldn't. "Because I like you, too. A lot."

So much. Just so very much.

"More than I should."

Cal's shoulders sagged like a huge weight was lifted as he broke into a grin. "I like you more than I should too. I mean, I like you a lot," he said quickly, so it didn't sound like something inherently bad, because he was really hoping it wasn't. Force lightning hadn't struck him yet, at least!

"Like, more than a friend. Which is weird, and new, and I have no idea what I'm doing. But when I thought you might not wake up... I don't want to ruin our friendship, because being friends with you is amazing. But the longer I go not telling you how I feel, the more I feel like I'm lying. Does that make sense?"

Arden was sputtering now, eyes wide. "Wait. What? Wait. What? I thought--you didn't--you like people?! I didn't think you like people--like that. Wait."

She was trying to settle her brain down, but even so she couldn't stop smiling.

"Are you serious? You...like me? Because, like. I've had a crush on you almost from the beginning. And I've been trying to fight it down, because I didn't think that you liked people like that. And I didn't want to ruin our friendship and make you uncomfortable or go against your Code."

A beat.

"Oh no, your Code. Did I...how are you...what do you mean? Like...how do you..."

"I wish I had a solid answer for that. I had a talk with Cere and I still need to think about it but... the Order is gone. The Code is guidelines for an Order that doesn't exist anymore, and I don't think following the same rules will help us get an Order back that can withstand the Empire. I don't know how I'm supposed to care about what happens to others without caring about them as people." Cere's words had been ringing in his head for weeks now--what was the point of saving the galaxy if it wasn't filled with people they cared about.

"Like I said, I have no idea what I'm doing. But I know I care about you, a lot, and I can't think of anyone I'd rather figure this stuff out with than you." His own rambling aside, something finally clicked for Cal. "Wait, you've had a crush on me? The whole time?"

It was a good thing he was cute.

Arden just looked at him for a few heartbeats. And then buried her face in her hands. "Yes," she groaned. "Like. The whole time. It's been very, very obvious, I'm pretty sure. Why do you think I blamed myself when we got the hallucination? Because it was my fault! Why else would we think we were getting married--" Her face flushed again "--except my crush on you?"

"Because the island is mean and keeps making you be attached to me even though we're only friends and you'd never want more than that because I have no experience dating and you could be with someone who knows what they're doing instead?"

It made sense at the time!

Now she was just giving him that look that she gave him sometimes, like when he tried explaining that washcloths weren't important.

"How much experience dating do you think I have?" she asked. "Goddess, Cal! I don't care about any of that! I've been half in love with you from the get-go and stressing out because there was no way to do that without hurting you and forcing you to do something that you don't want, because you don't like people like that, or...didn't like me like that...or...you don't like things like...kissing or...stuff. I mean! Not saying that that's a thing that has to happen! We're not agreeing to anything or anything! But just...I didn't think...you wanted anything like that. Or would allow it. Because of the Code...Anyway, it wasn't because I was saving it for somebody who knew 'what they were doing.'"

She rolled her eyes at him, suddenly realized she'd said the words 'half-in-love-with' and started trying to calculate the distance between the diner and the sea.

Edited 2024-10-23 05:16 (UTC)

It was a good thing Cal hadn't let go of her hand so he could keep her from flinging herself into the sea, because there was no reason for that when this was clearly his fault.

"I didn't tell you about the Code to make it seem like we couldn't be more than friends. Or maybe I was trying to protect myself," he admitted. "My intention was never to push you away or stress you out. I was so busy stressing out about my own feelings that I never considered you might have worries too. I'm so sorry." He laughed softly at the idea that he didn't like people at all. "I like people and I like kissing, I think. I don't know what it's okay to feel, to be honest. I've been too afraid of myself to think about it too hard."

It was very rude of him to not allow her to go walking into the sea, but the handholding was pretty great and it meant he wasn't recoiling away from her and calling her clingy and emotionally unbalanced or something, which also helped.

"If it helps, I never thought you were trying to push me away or make me back off? I just thought I was being a really bad friend for continuing to have a crush on you when you'd - I thought anyway - made it clear that that kinda stuff was something you weren't interested in or allowed to do. Like if someone kept trying to get me to eat wings after I told them I didn't eat chicken, you know? I just...never wanted to pressure you or make you feel uncomfortable or even make you doubt that your Code was a good thing for you, or whatever."

She might have a lot of questions and reservations about the Order, but that was different than respecting that he'd chosen to hold to the Code.

"But, um. You said you like kissing?" She has to clear her throat there a second. No reason. "That's interesting--wait, you've been kissing people?"

Wait no! That sounded bad! "You don't have to answer that!" she said quickly. "Like, you're a free person, you can be kissing people and it's not my business...I just was surprised and curious, not like... demanding you explain yourself."

The tables near them didn't need to be wiped down, but this was way too interesting to not eavesdrop on, or so thought several of the waitstaff.

Edited 2024-10-23 15:20 (UTC)

Honestly, Cal couldn't blame them, he would have listened to the tea as well if he was them.

"I think I like kissing. You're the only person I've kissed, and I liked that, so either I like it, or I just like kissing you." Ignore the way his stomach twisted at that attempt to be smooth. That sounded smooth in his head, at least?

Almost made up for the terrible French!

"Oh." Again, Arden looked down, flushing slightly. And trying not to smile. "You're also the only person I've kissed, so, umm...same. With you know. Liking it. Or liking it with you."

Wow, Arden, way to make Cal Kestis look smooth.

"So..." She peeked up at him again. "We've admitted we like each other as more than friends, but that doesn't have to mean anything. Like, you said this was new, and you're still figuring things out, and that's okay. Were you mostly just telling me because you didn't wanna feel like you were lying still, or...?"

"Well, I wanted to tell you because not telling you has been awful. And I don't know what I would have done if I couldn't tell you," he said. "But if we both like each other as more than friends, that has to mean something, right? Unless you don't want it to."

There was some distraught beeping coming from under the table, because how could Cal come so far and still fall short?

"Would you like to be more than friends with me?" Cal asked.

"It doesn't have do," Arden said, firmly. "We could just agree that we'd rather stay friends the way we are. I don't...like? The idea that it's something that has to happen, like...automatically? Or because there are weird rules about it?" He could probably guess where some of that came from. "I want to be more than friends with you. But because we're both choosing to do that, not because we feel like we have to? Does that make sense?"

She squeezed his hand. "But also? I'd understand if you're not sure? Or you wanted to go slow? Cause like you said you're still trying to figure things out. And I don't want you to feel pressured to do something because you think it's what I want or the expectation is there for something specific?" She bit her lip. "Can I ask possibly a bad question?"

"I think that all makes sense," Cal said. "And yeah, you can ask me anything. I know I kinda threw a lot at you with no warning here." Once the words started falling out, it was hard to make them stop.

"You said it was new," she said softly, "from when I got hurt. Are you sure that it's not because you were just...scared to lost me? I really like you, and I just...I don't want you to question your whole world view and everything because it was one thing, but you thought it was another."

Look, she had a lot of experience of people saying they wanted her and then changing their minds and...

"Ooh. No," Cal said, short and simple. "My feelings aren't new. My feelings have been here for a while. What's new is my willingness to admit it, both to you and to myself. You're not the only one who's been worried that this is wrong. I've been so worried about hurting you, or asking for too much, but after everything that happened I wanted to make sure you knew how important you are to me."

"I don't think this is wrong," she said softly. "I worry that you might. I don't want to put you in a position to regret anything. I care too much about you for that, you know? But if it were just me...I don't think it's wrong at all. I would--" Goddess, her face was practically on fire. "However we could be together, I'd be happy. But like. I really liked kissing you."

So about walking into the sea...

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